A One Mann’s Movies review of “Ice Cream Man”. (2026, 2.5*, 18).
Once in a while, I go to see a film that I genuinely have no idea what to rate it as. “Ice Cream Man”, the latest schlock-horror from Eli Roth, is one such film.
On the one hand, it is truly terrible: terrible acting, some terribly violent and antisocial content; some terrible script decisions; I could go on. On the other, it is just glorious in its determination to be terrible and gains a half star or so for some occasionally brilliant visuals. While, on the whole, I’ve veered towards “terrible”. But I suspect there are some horror fans – or students after a late night kebab and several pints – who will love this one, so I’ve given it a ‘middle-of-the-road” sort of rating.
One Mann’s Movies Rating:
Plot:
Life is pretty good in the sleepy, idyllic suburban small town of Bayleen Bay, despite all the usual childhood issues of bullying and mild social brutality. But when the creepy Ice Cream Man (Ari Millen) comes to town, offering his bizarre flavour combinations to the children, life changes for very much the worse for the grown-ups of the community.
Certification:
UK: 18; US: R. (From the BBFC website: “Strong bloody violence, gore.”)
Talent:
Starring: Charlie Zeltzer, Eli Roth, Ari Millen, Sarah Abbott, Karen Cliche, Benjamin Byron Davis, Darrin Baker, Kiori Mirza Waldman.
Directed by: Eli Roth.
Written by: Noah Belson & Eli Roth.
Running Time: 1h 26m.
Review:
Positives:
- The film centres around the conveniently lactose-intolerant Jared (Charlie Zeltzer) and one of the things the film does well is built up a nice dynamic around his family: comprising his dad Marty (played by director Eli Roth); his mum Alison (Karen Cliche) and his older sister Lizzie (Sarah Abbott). The family dynamic around the dinner table is fun.
- For lovers of hugely gory practical effects, they will lap this up. There are so many ludicrously gory deaths in here that your gore-quotient for the year is very quickly reached. The goriest of all concerns the school principal Maloney (Darrin Baker) which is genuinely disgusting and an upgrade on a related scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
- There’s a genuine style to the film’s visuals from its opening, showing the Ice Cream van lumbering into town with an ear-worm theme that reminded me of that wretched music-box from The Monkey. And a scene parodying a classic Hitchcock scene, involving a climbing frame, is genuinely funny. I was also impressed by the film’s finale – disgusting as it was – for not pulling its punches in a traditional Hollywood way.
Negatives:
- Most of the acting is of the ‘bad school play’ variety in most cases, although I wondered to what extent this was deliberate.
- The scenes of mayhem are truly ridiculous and there’s a limit to how many squishy rubber heads you can see being mashed before it just becomes a blur.
- While the film revels in its anti-socialness – the whole concept of children butchering their parents and teachers is obviously obscene – it is one of the smaller ‘jokes’ in the piece that managed to offend me. At one point Mia (Kiori Mirza Waldman) is asked to throw up the ice-cream she’s just been force-fed. She replies “I’m a 12-year-old girl, of course I know how to make myself sick”. I have notes on this: bulimia is not funny. The film deserves its 18 certificate for this line of dialogue alone.
- The film would have probably earned at least an extra star for the concept of “weaponising children” were it not for last year’s Weapons having already stolen those Brownie points. As it is, this just feels like a rather tawdry cash-grab off the back of that film.
Summary Thoughts:
I mean, it really wasn’t for me. But I can appreciate that some horror aficionados might really enjoy this completely over-the-top offering (with a flake and added sprinkles). And I can appreciate the amount of tongue-in-cheek craft that went into making it.
I also have a natural worry about what effect filming these scenes has on the young actors and actresses involved. For example, the first murder is so grotesque that I wonder to what degree the child was sawing something inconsequential – like a melon – with the final footage delivered through special effects. However, a completely manic playground scene is so widespread and ‘out-there’ that it must have been delivered with practical effects with the children involved, so perhaps not. I can just imagine a lifetime of therapy ahead.
Where to watch?
Trailer:
The trailer for the film is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoVnBH0Co9o. Note that this is the red band trailer, so viewer discretion advised.
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