A One Mann’s Movies review of “Cold Storage”. (2026, 3.5*, 15).
I’m very late to the game on “Cold Storage”, which probably has its last showings in most UK cinemas today. But I was glad to catch it. This is one of those oddities of a film that I could absolutely savage to death in this review – and probably will do – but which, a bit like “Cocaine Bear“, I had fun with. I had a kind of kooky respect for the sincerity of its naff-ness!
One Mann’s Movies Rating:
Plot:
When US specialists are called to a remote Australian township, they find all the residents horribly killed due to a mutant green fungus. The fungus sample is ‘safely’ stored in a government facility, but many years later, with the government facility now a public storage depot, the world again faces danger from the lethal organism.
Certification:
UK: 15; US: R. (From the BBFC website: “Strong bloody violence, gore, language”.)
Talent:
Starring: Liam Neeson, Lesley Manville, Joe Keery, Georgina Campbell, Vanessa Redgrave,
Gavin Spokes, Ellora Torchia, Aaron Heffernan, Sosie Bacon
Directed by: Jonny Campbell.
Written by: David Koepp.
Running Time: 1h 39m.
Summary:
Positives:
- There’s a sense of dynamism about the film’s direction that feels quite infectious (no pun intended!)
- A good ‘park your brain at the door’ popcorn romp.
- Joe Keery and (particularly) Georgina Campbell have fun with the leads.
- Some surprising cast additions!
Negatives:
- The plot is absurd: there are so many side-stories going on in this one place on this one night!
- Liam Neeson is almost in Frank Drebin-mode with his dialogue: is he deliberately hamming?
Full Review of “Cold Storage”:
The premise is absurd!
The whole film should have a sign on the door saying “Park your credibility here”. We are implored in the opening frames to “Pay attention… because this shit is real”! Well, one part of it was at least: in 1979 the space station Skylab DID crash into earth’s orbit and scattered debris all over the Indian Ocean and parts of Australia. (I remember it well at the time: people were (rightly) afraid that populated areas might get flattened!) But there we diverge from reality.
How exactly an existing earth fungus, taken up to Skylab for study, is supposed to have mutated into this intelligent, deadly slime is hand-wavingly glossed over by scientist (but not to be a scientist for long) Dr Hero Martins (Sosie Bacon).
Then, my jaw dropped to the floor as the highly classified and secure government facility, still storing dangerous, cryogenically frozen samples, is sold off to be a private storage locker facility! As if!!
More traffic than Piccadilly Circus.
At the storage depot, we are introduced to ex-con ‘Teacake’ (Joe Keery) and new employee Naomi (Georgina Campbell), who seems to think she can get a man to do anything she wants by throwing in a bit of sexy eye-contact (and she’s probably right).
But for a quiet Tuesday night at the storage depot, this is anything but. The story throws in subplot after subplot with gay abandon.
Firstly, there is the random action of Mary Rooney (Vanessa Redgrave), turning up at the depot on her wedding anniversary to commit suicide in her storage unit: a story that just seemed to peter out so quickly I wondered if the great Dame had gone down ill or something during filming… she just seemed to disappear from the film, full stop.
Then we have Naomi’s boyfriend Mike (Aaron Heffernan) turning up with a dead cat (random!) in his trunk.
Then we have sleazy boss Griffin (Gavin Spokes) turning up with a biker gang and a random doctor (Justin Salinger – like what??) to fence a bunch of 4K televisions.
In amongst all of this we have escaping cockroaches, exploding deer and repulsive rats due to the attentions of the green slime.
It really is bat-shit crazy storytelling! The story is by David Koepp, who after writing the abysmal “Jurassic World: Rebirth” perhaps is just having a bit of a crazy year?
Inconsistent fungus!
Where I did get more upset with the film was with the lack of any sort of consistency for how the infected got infected. You would think it would be directly from skin contact, but in numerous cases you think “well, Teacake and Naomi MUST have got micro-fragments of fungus on them from that!”…. nope, they remain absolutely fine! More crazy is when Teacake handles a padlock: a padlock that just minutes before had been handled by one of the infected! Now, if Covid-19 taught me anything….
But still….
Amidst all this mayhem and inconsistency, the film manages to zip along at a fair crack and director Jonny Campbell (who’s only previous feature film seems to have been Ant and Dec’s “Alien Autopsy” in 2006) manages to provide some visual flourishes. The opening of the film, with a guy on a phone in a sandstorm, almost seems like a tribute to the start of “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”. And dynamic shots of fungus shooting around the body or a cockroach’s bid for freedom are visually impressive and exciting. All in all, even though I had my head shaking at various times in disbelief, I have to admit that I has some fun watching this one.
Some surprising cast additions.
Heading up the cast – at least in terms of screen time – are Joe Keery and Georgina Campbell as Teacake and Naomi. Both deliver up creditable performances here, but I was particularly impressed (again!) by Campbell. I note that I said the same for her role in “The Watched“. She has a really great screen presence.
Liam Neeson is adding to his pension once again, with a pretty dialled-in performance. Some of his portentous speechifying was bordering on parody.
A surprising cast addition was the great Lesley Manville: I wanted to say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS RUBBISH!”. She must have some bills to pay too. But she really does add a touch of class to the ludicrous proceedings.
And of course Dame Vanessa Redgrave is sparkly in her short cameo appearances.
Summary Thoughts:
A ludicrous, cheesy, quite gory popcorn movie that I really wanted to hate but couldn’t bring myself to. If you liked the utter silliness of “Cocaine Bear“, then this movie is probably also for you.
Where to watch?
Trailer:
The trailer for the film is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwhXNyM1dmU.
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